I took my second to last final today. History of Alexander the Great and the Hellenistic World. Around 7:30 last night when I was about to begin studying for it, I pulled up the syllabus and calculated what final score I needed to get both an A and a B. This is how I begin all finals – you have to figure out if its worth it. I needed a 90% for an A and a 50% for a B. So I put my book down and went to a friend’s house to watch Lost. SAYID! NO!
I actually coasted through the first part of the final this morning. I was surprised at how many dates I could retain. I may have made up a battle, but who’s to say? Many of these records have been lost. Ptolemy could have very well been breeding Sharktopus in the mouth of the Nile. He built the Lighthouse at Alexandria – what’s another Wonder of the Ancient World, especially if it involves elementary genetic engineering. Archimedes auto-writes that stuff in hypnosis. What a swagster.
I ran out of steam on the last essay. I was asked to list the three primary sources for the Hellenistic (300-100 BCE Greece) world, and the problems and positives accompanying them. I got one right, did a good job guessing at the second, and couldn’t even lie about the third. I wrote this as my final paragraph.
“The third source for the Hellenistic world is fragments of Alexandrian scholarship. But really, Dr. Muntz, I have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m just making this up. My hand is cramping and I want to go to sleep at noon and wake up in October. I’ve enjoyed your class and the historical anecdotes, but now I’m going to approach you and hand in my test and tell you to have a good summer.”
Two weeks ago in this very class I had a paper due which was worth more than the final. I waited too long to start it, and the books I needed – that Dr. Muntz told me I needed – were checked out. I had to order a copy of The Naval Aristocracy of Hellenistic Rhodes off Amazon (linked directly to my bank account – CHA CHING! Also bought a copy of Marvel Comic’s Earth X megaseries. Package my items together, please). It was forty dollars. That’s an expensive essay. I couldn’t return it, so I hoped that it might be an okay read, something worth keeping on my bookshelf. It wasn’t. It was like Vincent Gabrielsen was forced to write about Rhodes. Lighten up, man. They specialized in pirate killing. Couldn’t you have written more about that?
As I turned in my test, I told Dr. Muntz that I had to buy the book, and then told him I wasn’t going to reread it (he spilled his coffee) and did he want to have it? He hesitated, and said he wanted to give me something for it. I almost asked for an A, but my mind was already settled on a B so I kept quiet. Instead, he opened his wallet and gave me twenty dollars. I now own eighty giant sized gumballs. Thank you, Dr. Muntz.